Recently, mixi netizens have been grappling with the age-old question of why long-term boyfriends don’t always become lifelong husbands.
Yet another online survey attempted to solve the conundrum of why men don’t propose, and came up with the same old chestnuts: money, freedom, family, and work.
Many netizens say that if he doesn’t pop the question after three years, then he’s never going to, while others think there’s no need to rock the boat if everything is going well.
Still, the frequent articles about marriage that appear on many Japanese websites may suggest a deeper anxiety about marriage on the part of younger generations, which is equally reflected in the nation’s falling birthrate.
From mixi News:
What’s The Real Reason He Won’t Marry You Even After Dating For More Than 3 Years? Four Things That Stop Him Popping The Question
It seems as though there are a lot of girls out there who are worried about boyfriends who still haven’t proposed to them despite the fact that they’ve been dating for a long time. But it’s not only women who think about various things when it comes to marriage. So what is it that stops men from getting married?
Q: What do you think the no.1 thing holding you back from getting married is?
I’d lose my freedom: 27.7%
My work: 7.9%
So as expected, the number one thing guys are worried about is money. That’s because it’s probably safe to say that they see it as their role, since they’re not the ones who give birth. We asked for some more detailed opinions.
“If the other person doesn’t have much money sense, then it wouldn’t occur to me that I wanted to marry them” (IT technician, 27)
“Because I’m not convinced that I have the money” (Transportation/storage technician, 30)
“I have a low monthly salary so I think that would make a woman hesitate about marrying me” (Machines/precision equipment admin worker, 31)
“Because it costs about 3,000,000 yen just to hold the ceremony” (Machines/precision equipment technician, 33)
“Because if your salary isn’t high you have no respectability” (Service worker, sales, 28)
Indeed, it seems that guys who earn good money will opt for a woman who is sensible with money, while men who don’t earn a lot don’t have the confidence to embark upon a marriage.
If it’s a man who is unsure and has misgivings about marriage, if you let him know that you’re fine with both of you working, then that might just take away his fears.
■ Losing Freedom
“Because I wouldn’t be able to spend my time and money on my own interests any more” (Technician, agriculture, forestry and fisheries, 26).
“Because it’s the no. 1 thing you lose” (Technician, food and drink, 31).
“I like spending time alone, so it’d be difficult for me to lose that time for myself” (Specialist worker, schools/education, 32).
It seems that men have the impression that they lose time, money, and freedom when they marry. Of course, if you have children then you can’t live like you did when there were just the two of you as a couple. But if you help him realize that rather than losing his freedom, he will actually be finding happiness, then that might lower one of the hurdles to marriage.
■ Family Matters
“I think that what stops me is wondering whether we’d be happy when you include our parents and relations” (Technician, electrical appliances, 32).
“I’m already divorced and having to explain all that stuff to my partner’s parents is a pain in the ass, so I don’t want to go and greet them and ask if I can marry their daughter” (Management, machines/precision equipment, 36).
“If my partner’s family are the type of people you don’t get on well with, I’d be nervous about it” (Technician, IT, 22).
The thing about marriages is that they don’t just end with the two of you. We all know about mother-in-law problems of course, but some men have concerns about their own family situations too. You want to make them think that you are the kind of girlfriend who will get on well with their mother.
“I frequently travel around for work, even though it’s just within the prefecture” (Specialist admin worker, public sector, 24).
There are some men who have the impression that marriage means settling down, so it’s something they want to do once work starts taking off. These guys are kind, because they don’t want to cause their wife any trouble in this department.
“There’s nothing that would really stop me” (Management, food/drink, 29).
There were also some men in this survey who didn’t have anything that was stopping them, but who just weren’t ready for marriage. We can wonder if they all have different images of marriage, and there were several reasons above as to why men who’ve been dating for a while haven’t embarked upon marriage yet. If you happen to know of any men like this, perhaps it would be good to tell them something that might ease their fears about marriage.
Comments from mixi.jp:
If you’ve only got a girlfriend to satisfy your sexual appetite and for your own convenience, then please, set me free. If you’re going out with someone like this, then tell them. That’s love.
The point is, it’s a pain in the ass. If something’s a pain in the ass, you ain’t gonna do it unless you gotta. But I wonder whether being happy when you’re free and single isn’t just something you can do when you’re young and healthy.
Women have more limitations than men when it comes to this. It’s dangerous if you don’t give birth when you’re young, so it’s only natural that they would date with a view to marriage. If you just want to have sex with someone there’s no need to actually date them.
Those people who say that they won’t marry because their income is low, they’re not really putting any effort in to raise their incomes either. They’re just going with the flow. They don’t take another job, or change jobs, or get new qualifications to raise their skill level.
It’s horrible to date someone for more than three years and then not be able to marry them.
Of course it’s a bother to date someone with their relatives in tow, and you do lose your freedom, but that applies to both the man and the woman. Every day I feel I’m happy because I have something to protect.
There are no advantages to being in a couple.
Ultimately, when it comes down to it, I think it means that they don’t really love you that much. I mean, if another guy were to come an sweep you off your feet right now, your boyfriend wouldn’t be all that bothered.
This probably sounds bad, but a guy who is indecisive won’t be any good at work either, so I’d recommend getting rid of him asap. Whether you’re marrying someone or breaking up with someone, the important thing is the decision. Because you both lose time.
When it comes to it, guys can swap old for new. If a girl goes past the time limit for having children, they lose their chance. As long as he’s actually got a job, a guy who won’t marry a girl he’s being going out with for a long time is a worthless bastard.
I’m not very popular with the ladies, but the way I see it, if you’re hesitating about getting married then how about having a frank discussion about it with your girlfriend?
I’ve been living with someone in a friends with benefits situation for over ten years, but I haven’t married her (^_^;)
I have one doubt about this stuff. “If your boyfriend won’t propose to you, how about proposing to him?”
As expected, no. 1 is money.
I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for over 5 years, and the main problem is money. Even if you both feel the same way about each other, if there’s no future in it…it’s like…But anyway, these days if you look around you can hold a wedding ceremony quite cheaply.
It’s got nothing to do with what’s stopping him, he’s just waiting for something better to come along.